Friday, January 06, 2006

The Night of the Cats (A Short Play)

Venerable Pippi, a dignified and resourceful black cat.
Mini Minnie, a mindless tortoishell kitten-cat
Cute Cleo, a very cute tortoishell kitten
Sqeauky Chrissy, a vocal ginger kitten

Scene:- Bottom of the bed. The human known as Anna is drifting off to sleep.

Cute Cleo: Can we play yet? Canwe?Canwe?Canwe?Canwe?
Venerable Pippi: Not yet! Wait till she's properly asleep. When you two have the benefit of my considerably years of catty experience, you'll be able to tell the right moment to spring into action. See - she's still tugging the duvet under her chin. A few more moments.
Squeaky Chrissy: Pleeeeaaaaaaaase can we play?
Venerable Pippi: *sigh* Go and play under the bed.
The Kittens bounce off.
Venerable Pippi: And choose the most rustly box!
Mini Minnie: I have WHITE paws! Mummy says so!
Venerable Pippi: *rolling eyes* Yes, dear. *To the kittens* Pay attention! Now, see, she's asleep. You can tell by the drool. Now watch and learn. She is currently in possession of the pillow, which is where I want to sleep tonight. So what do I do?
Cute Cleo: Play! Play!
Mini Minnie: I have a POINTY MOUTH! Mummy says so!
Venerable Pippi: *with great patience* Yes, Minnie. No, Cleo. I simply insinuate my bottom - so, watch! - onto the corner of the pillow. See, immediately she shifts a little to one side.
Squeaky Chrissy: Is that when we eat her hair?
Venerable Pippi: No, keep that as a last resort. It's better if you just fart gently into her face so she - see, she's doing it! - turns over. *Smugly* Now I just curl up, push slightly and eeaaaase her off the pillow.
Squeaky Chrissy: Wow!
Cute Cleo: Cool!
Venerably Pippi: Yes, dear, of course there are.
Cute Cleo: So what do we do now?
Squeaky Chrssy: I want to eat the blanket!
Venerable Pippi: Well there are many options open to you. You could tear down the curtains, excavate the box under the dresser, continue to rustle under the bed, or, my own recommendation, you could play tag over her feet all night long.
Cute Cleo: Tag! Tag!
Squeaky Chrissy: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Venerable Pippi: Run along children.
Mini Minnie: I'm the KING OF THE CASTLE
Venerable Pippi: Except you're not a King. Despite their evil surgical interventions, you're still a Queen. And it's not a castle, is it, Minnie? It's her bottom.
Mini Minnie: Bottom! BOTTOM!
Venerable Pippi: *aside* My talents are wasted here. *To others* Excellent work Cleo, Chrissy. Chew her ankles a bit, that's it. Remember, kittens! The less sleep she has, the more likely she is to respond to basic mind-control techniques. And what is our ultimate aim?
Venerable Pippi: *smiling warmly* Excellent.
Mini Minnie: BOTTOMS!!!


At 9:33 am, Anonymous Kate Hardy said...


Brilliant. Just brilliant. And just what a dull, drizzly Friday morning needs.

(I can see this on TV. Animated by those Viking Kittens...)

At 11:13 am, Blogger Biddy said...


I love your cats (oh and you as well I suppose!)

At 11:27 am, Anonymous Sadhbh said...

Anna - Loved your little play, even while I'm sympathising with the lack of sleep
Kimi (our nearly black cat) doesn't try that any more because I won't leave her the space, I just roll and prod and push my cat around until she's where it suits ME.
But I'm a bad mother - and I'M the boss, not that pesky cat

At 4:42 pm, Blogger Sela Carsen said...

I think the fart is the ultimate weapon. Yukon, bless her, could clear a room. It's just sneakier when cats do it.

At 8:27 pm, Blogger Anna Lucia said...

Awww, glad you enjoyed it as much as I did! *VBG*

I should come clean and say that Minnie is way more intelligent than the character I gave her today. More of a scaredy cat, true, but more intelligent. ;-)

I know I should be less of a pushover, Sadhbh!! *sigh* I think it started when Pippi was hit by the car - we started pampering her and haven't really stopped. Bad Mummy!

God, yes, Kate - the Viking kittens! You've been to, right? Just not with the kids peering over your shoulder....

I'm honoured to be bracketed with my cats, Bids. ;-)

Dog farts are in a different class, Sela! I suppose that's what makes kitten farts so devastating. The stealth element.

At 1:41 pm, Blogger Kristen Painter said...

As I am also owned by four cats, I have not only seen this play but had it enacted atop me numerous times.


At 3:39 pm, Blogger Julie said...


At 7:29 pm, Anonymous Kate Hardy said...

I hadn't been to but I visited it this evening after your recommendation... Fabulous!

Now, how to persuade them they need to do a version of something by Ritchie Blackmore...

At 3:21 am, Blogger MaryF said...


You should turn this into a children's book.


Post a Comment

<< Home