The Agony and the Ecstacy

The Ecstacy because I've finished assembling the documents and spreadsheet for the tax enquiry (oh frabjous day!). With that no longer hanging over me, I can get back to the actual writing part of writing.

As a part of the proof of expenses I've had to compile, I've also had to supply evidence of submissions. And we know what that means, ladies and gents.

Rejection letters.

This wouldn't be a big problem if we were talking about form rejections. For once in my life I wish I had form rejections to show... But no. No, no, no. These are detailed rejection letters.

Yes folks, my lovely taxman, as well as deriving amusement from my abysmal attempts at maths, will be collapsing with mirth at the contents of my 2003-2004 rejections.

Oh, the shame. Oh, the Agony...

He will be wiping tears of laughter after reading such gems as:

"... felt that at this stage the plotting and characterisation are still too problematic." Well, as long as the rest of the book's okay. I mean, what's a little plotting and characterisation between friends?

"... what exactly is the Agency? Is it good, or evil?" If the reader can't tell if your villain is villainous or superfluous, you're in deep doo-doo.

"There is a little too much implausible globe-trotting." What? I can't send them to Hawaii on honeymoon, either?

"The biggest problem is [the hero]" Oops.

"... his character is too morally ambiguous..." Okay, you got me on that one. Guilty as charged. I LIKE him morally ambiguous...

"... the story is poorly organised..." Hey! That's cool! So is my tax return!

"... one particularly heavy-handed scene..." Ouch. Just... ouch.

"... which doesn't quite make sense anyway...." *whimper*

"... the love scenes are quite good, although a bit too chatty." Hang on a sec, I need a moment to let the humiliation of that sentence really sink in.

... ... ...

... ... ...

*shudder*

There ya go.

Actually I think too chatty may actually be an understatement. In one scene there's nothing but dialogue.

"...(especially the scene where he deflowers her)." Yeah, that's the one. So sue me. I wrote a virgin heroine. There were mitigating circumstances, I swear.

"... and there is one (unintentionally, I presume) funny scene..." Nope. That was intentional. Pass me that razor, will you? You don't mind if I bleed all over your desk?

"... but it needs some work first." You don't say.

"... if you would prefer to submit a different story..." Is anyone else getting the subtext, "because I'd rather gouge my eyes out with my stapler than read this again ?

It's beauties like those that I've begged the taxman not to read too closely. He will of course. I'll get them back with coffee stains on from where he's passed them round the staff room, wheezing with laughter.

I hope YOU won't hold these against me, either! I can only say to you what I have said to the taxman. "... I have definitely improved."