Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Stupid September

It's September. Or at least it will be in a few hours.

And I hate - oh how I loathe - September. I really, really despise it.

Why? Let me tell you.

1) It's usually the busiest month of the working year for me.

2) I have to do my tax return (cue much cat-hacks-a-hairball noises)

3) I have to reflect on my writing year and work out if I have anything worthwhile to send to the wonderful New Writers' Scheme through the RNA. This always gives me indigestion. And furballs.*

4) It's wet.

5) The garden is not a September garden

But all these things are mere bagatelle's, the smallest inconvenience, a blot, a jot, insignificant smidgen of distress compared to the supreme, governing I-Hate-September reason. They are a drop in the ocean. The toast crumb in the bed. The echoey public toilet in the bathroom of life.

Because the main reason I detest this month is:-

6) The spiders come indoors.

And they come in BIG.

No, no. That doesn't do it justice. They don't come in big. They come in HUMONGOUS. GINORMOUS.

Hey! Do an inkblot test on me! It's a spider. It's a spider. It's a spider. Oooh, it's a HUGE spider.

Here *points* is a normal spider. An arachnid. Eight legs. Little waving doohickies on the front. Too many eyes. Demeanour of furtive malice. About the size of, oh, a penny. Here little spider... keep my windows free from flies. Let us all coexist in a happy little world.....

Then there is the little-known sub-species of house spider native to my house. The OH MY GOD IT'S AGAINST THE LAWS OF NATURE IT'S STALKING ME MAKE IT STOP EEEEEEE EEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! spider.

Right about now, in the bushes and walls, the fences and sheds, little bands of these pipe-cleaner-legged monsters are gathering together to pore over maps of my house with their silly frogspawn eyes. They're discussing tactics, firming up the rotas and choosing their access points. They're choosing their favourite methods of assault - will they go for the all favourite Lurking with Intent, the new Scurrying Very Fast Over The Carpet as favoured by the younger generation, or the ultimate Hiding In The Knickerbox an all-powerful offensive only spoken of in hushed tones, and only to be brought out at special occasions and holidays.

Like Christmas.

Lest you think I'm exagerating, let me relate to you two circumstances:

1) A spider once sat on the stairs and kept me upstairs all day. It was so big when I first saw it running over a step, I thought it was a MOUSE.

2) This conversation from last night.

Me: Can you remove a spider for me?
Husband: Where is it?
Me: Over the curtain.
Husband: Awww, it's only little.
Me: You're standing ten feet away.
Husband: (moving closer) Jesus!
Me: I told you.

It's September.

I'm so scared....

*Yes, I know. That's two references to hairballs, and I'm not even a cat. But my cats DO sleep in my mouth. Nuff said.


At 8:53 pm, Blogger Biddy said...

But I LUUURVE September coz it is the month of my birth!!!

*does happy spider birthday dance*

At 12:37 am, Blogger Bronwyn Jameson said...

Spiders. The size of mice. To quote your dh: Jesus! I change my mind -- I am so not coming to stay in your guest room, despite those leftovers. At least not in September.

At 6:41 am, Anonymous Kate Hardy said...

Anna, I shouldn't laugh, but - oh, the picture you painted! Though I'm getting a lightbulb moment here. You'd do a fabulous first-person chicklit, you know. City chick is forced to move to country and does battle with spiders the size of mice...

At 7:17 am, Blogger Julie said...

LOL! I know you hate spiders, but you brightened my morning!

At 10:55 am, Blogger Michelle Styles said...

Don't your cats hunt and eat spiders? Mine do.
Normally we don't see that many....
Do you remember the song about the spider in the bath? Flanders and Swann?

At 12:57 pm, Anonymous Suzanne said...

LOL, Anna! I love September because it cools off!!! Luckily that doesn't include our spiders coming inside.....

At 5:48 pm, Blogger Dee said...

Suzanne really DOES have a point. It cools off. Since I'm dying of heat exposure and humidity here, I like that about September in California.

But you have a spider point that is painfully valid.

My apartment complex found a way to moderately shrink our spiders from last year. Last year, they looked like giant onion ring clumps that moved. This year, they are about the size of your forefinger and thumb making a circle. And they're coming inside...whimper.

I hate a particular breed of spiders. What I call "The Jumpers". You know, those ones that can springboard from place to place instead of simply running for their lives. Jumpers not only do not politely stay still for you to throw shoes at, no, they actually spring up on you and make you run through the house, shaking clothes off and turning your own hair into a rats nest while screaming for anyone to come save you.

Hubby informs me that all spiders jump.

Hubby will not be a LUCKY hubby if he doesn't find a way to kill them all when they come inside. LOL!

Offering cheers of "Raid" spray cans.

At 9:31 pm, Anonymous Danica said...

Anna, Bay made a rather clever little spider trap for me yesterday. It consists of rolled up pieces of paper with tape stuck to the ends. According to Bay, if you set out rolled up paper, the spiders will think it's a fun place to play. If there's tape on it, they'll get stuck. And haha, it's a spider trap. (Picture animated child demonstrating, if you will). Put a few dozen of those around, and I'm sure the spiders will be gone in no time.

At 11:45 pm, Anonymous Michelle said...

LOL at Danica's suggestion. I hate spiders, too. I'm allergic to the bites. Nasty little critters...

At 1:27 am, Blogger Beth Ciotta said...

Oh. My. Gaaaaaaaawd! I'd die. Just die. Can't take spiders. BIG spiders? The size of a mouse?! You just totally creeped me out, Anna. Here's hoping September flies by.

At 11:44 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...


From one spider freak to another, thanks for making me laugh at the image you painted in my mind.

Sounds like your husband would get along well with mine. :-)

Just think...October is coming soon. (does that help?)

At 11:45 am, Anonymous Sydney said...

Ooops, forgot to reveal my identity.

It had nothing to do with my fear of the spider mafia. I swear! :_)

At 3:06 pm, Blogger Melissa Marsh said...

That is a very scary picture you paint! I *hate* spiders. Is calling the exterminator an option???

At 1:12 am, Blogger Gabriele C. said...

At least you have a husband. I have to deal with the creepy crawlies all by myself.

And they come in here, too.

At 9:44 pm, Blogger Jaye said...

LOL. There, there, Anna (and Dee). I love the fall. It's my favourite season, the lovely changing the leaves, and it's still warm, but has cooled down considerably from the summer's humidy.

but I don't do spiders either. I'll empty 1/2 can of RAID on a spider then check into the emergency ward for respiratory distress. lol.

At 9:55 am, Blogger Anna Lucia said...

LOL! Well that touched a chord, eh?

Actually, if it wasn't for the spiders, I'd love September. But the spiders override the rest....

Having said that, I can't kill them! I feel too guilty.

At 4:14 pm, Blogger Anna Sugden said...

ROFL - Anna you said it all for me - hate those spiders!!! I know I'm going to piss of all those people who don't like to harm animals - but that is why someone invented the vacuum cleaner with all those lovely extensions!

And as for the cats chasing them and killing them ha ha ha. R2 looks at them with disgust "If it's smaller than a skunk I'm not bothering with it" and Kooka just watches "Oooh look at the wiggly moving thing!"

At 2:10 am, Blogger Karen Templeton said...

Omg, Anna, I've got tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! And I SO second Kate's comment that you'd do an amazing country chick lit (but then, m'dear, I told you that at least two years ago.)

Sophie Kinsella, watch your back!

At 12:53 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm there with you. I hate spiders. Everytime I kill one (or ask dh to kill one) when my mother is near - she tisk tisk and mentions Charlotte's Web.

I reply that when they spell out pig in their webs, I'll stop stomping them.

I'd be too busy running from the room, screaming my head off.

Spiders smart enough to spell. The world would be near the end, no doubt!!


At 1:32 pm, Blogger Donna Alward said...

OMG you guys. TOO FUNNY. I hate spiders. When we were camping I was cleaning out the tent and my 5 yr old started crying about a spider. Brave Mommy went to was HUGE. And FAST. Dh says, "Step on it." I'm like, "I don't think so." I didn't want guts on my shoes all day!

It was so big that after 6 soakings of RAID it finally quieted to merely twitching.



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